We want to help you with this. People always say that but we mean it. You are in search of a kiss. A common journey, but not easily accomplished. Many obstacles line the path toward it, or toward them, if you are imagining several. It’s hard not to imagine several, or fear the judgement you may place on yourself if the kissing were to stop at one. An abrupt end to a kiss creates a lifetime of confusion, and worse still is the kiss that is accepted, then refused.

“Okay, this has gone on long enough,” that sort of thing.

Heartbreaking, disorientating.

The mouths of the world are there before you. And they will be there after you. You only have so much time to get this done. It is not as simple as stumbling upon one, the way you’d come across a bus stop, or a pharmacy. Even to a novice, I suppose, that is obvious. Fact is mouths are everywhere opening and closing, for the sake of what, we cannot be sure. Sometimes they appear to be no more than venus fly-traps. But better to avoid pseudo-scientific observations, especially ones that lead to despair, because as you may have noticed; there are too many despair inducing analogies to choose from. You’ll want to stay upbeat; set up camp on the sunny side, because your aspiration is to be among those who are kissing, and there’s a finite number at any given time. A kiss, more than anything else, requires commitment. A good kiss is not a question mark floating loosely in the sky.

No sir—it’s the sound of thunder.

Stretch first, but not in view of the recipient.You want to be limber so as not to suddenly buckle up on the job. Floss well in advance of the moment. The transportation of random debris into the unsuspecting mouth of your fellow-kisser is a deal breaker of substantial proportion. Repeat the phrase: “I will make an impact, I will be remembered.” Do it silently. It’s never been known to work when said out loud. Clean out your pockets; a bulging wallet is both awkward and ambivalent. Practice walking as if a cop pulled you over. You don’t want to trip, stumble or fall on your great walk toward her receiving aspect.

Shake your arms around—you will be needing them, given the vital role they play in the mechanics of embrace. They should be flexible, not frozen in place. Picture a kiss without the embrace. Weird, right? Relax your jaw. Wiggle your toes. Not sure why but it seems to help.

Tell yourself she won’t bite. If in fact she does bite, don’t nosedive into depression, and start assuming a fatalistic attitude. Flesh wounds heal. Visualize her body up against yours. This part can sometimes be too exciting so cast a blur or cloud-like mist over your visualization in order to keep the chance of an early erection at bay.

However, first rungs in the ladder of an erection are permissible.

On a good day, might even be interpreted as a compliment, provided you are of reasonable dimension, and therefore not overly startling, or intrusive.

Believe me—raucous announcements have their downsides.

Loosen your belt. Cinch your waist. I don’t know what that means exactly, but I love those three words together. They remind me of my mother; the woman I’m proud to say founded our well-regarded Institute.

She is forever in my thoughts.

Peter Bullen

Peter Bullen

Peter Bullen was born, which is where 'it' began. What 'it' is exactly he can't say, but he tries to say something which could explain his stabs at 'writing.' The stabs have appeared in Eleven Eleven, sPARKLE & bLINK, Red Light Lit, and the LA Review of Books. In 2016 his first chapbook of short fiction, Wallflower, came out from Nomadic Press.
Peter Bullen

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